I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
