the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
