What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
