is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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