Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Randomize
