so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
