This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
