I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Randomize
