im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
