Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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