I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Randomize
