we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize