oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
Randomize
