if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
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