There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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