Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Randomize
