I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
Randomize
