girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
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Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
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Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
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