everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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