Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
