It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
i may or may not be watching the land before time
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Randomize
