Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
