i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Randomize
