Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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