If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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