I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
