The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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