11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
Tell me exactly where it said it wasn't a unisex bathroom.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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