I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Randomize
