some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Randomize
