the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
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