I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Randomize
