So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
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