bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
