so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
No more Irish car bombs ever.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
