Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
We should try to put a bagel on your penis