dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
