now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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