I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
Blood and glitter go together right?
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
