She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
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