we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
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