Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
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