I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
