I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
3 2 1 whiskey
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Has anyone heard from Jamie or has she actually just been having sex for 48 hours?
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Randomize
