wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
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