I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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