somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
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