I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize
