I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
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