Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
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The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
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