the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
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