This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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