New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Randomize
