He had one of those small greek statue penises
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
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I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
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why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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