your parents love me but you hate me
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Randomize
