How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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