y did u give ur computer a hand job?
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
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