Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
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Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
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She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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