so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
Drake has all the answers
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
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