I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
